When you occasionally have a really
bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I
remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found
the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."I
politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled
out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct
number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered
the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up.
I wrote his number down with the
word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're
an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have
to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this
is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling
to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He
yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're
an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting
ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black
BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number. A couple of days later, right after calling the
first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought
that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with
the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in
front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's
a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm
home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can
I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had
two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I
called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said,
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make
me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My
name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do
you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree
Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer
parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over
right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,"
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said,
"Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll
kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole,
here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately
called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd,
in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about
the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed
over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work
